Horrible puns aside, I thought it was about time to discuss our current procrastination tool, source of entertainment, and downright addiction – Tinder. If you don’t know what Tinder is (first of all, I’m appalled because where have you been?), it is probably the most superficial “dating” app on the market. Linked with your facebook, your profile consists of 1-6 pictures, along with a brief tagline. Once in the app, you set your preferred mile radius and age range and voilà, before you is a ceaseless flow of guys (or girls) at your fingertips. The four of us love to sit around, our eyes glued to our phones, commentating on the interesting profiles we come across. There are some definite trends in the guys you’ll find on Tinder. Here are a few we’ve noticed:
1. The guy with the cute animal
Usually a puppy or kitten, but not excluding the occasional piggy or lion cub, guys will pose with any small animal to obtain the “awww” factor from potential mates. It’s a great convo starter – “Aw, what’s your puppy’s name??” (I must admit, I am guilty of it) – and it shows that he has a sensitive side. What’s not to like about that?
2. The guy with a cigar
It is an unspoken rule amongst men on Tinder that they must have a picture smoking a cigar. Because obviously, only manly men who are of the elite male specimen can smoke cigars.
3. The jailbait
Our downfall, because we are lowkey pedos, are these fresh faced youngins who must have stolen their mommy’s phones and downloaded this app whilst snickering and drinking chocolate milk. Okay…they may not be that young, but c’mon man, there’s no way you’re 18. You best delete your app before Chris Hansen starts knockin at my door.
Nice bio, Tyler.
4. The “I’m standing next to hot girls – therefore I am desirable” guy
We get it. SooOooOoo many girls want the D. Therefore, we too must want the D. Congrats, you figured us out. #MaleLogic
5. The guy in the group pic aka “I hope he’s the hot one”
Possibly the most frustrating, the guy with the group pic as his main picture is akin to Russian roulette. As you open his page, a silent prayer goes out to the deity of your choosing. Even worse, if all of his pictures are group pictures, you must decide if you dare take the leap of faith in swiping right.
6. The guy with the shirtless mirror pic.
Okay, we know that this app is mostly for hookups, and we get that you have a hot bod, but please leave these on myspace. It’s really not that hard to have someone else take the picture for you, is it?
7. The guy with the cool car.
Another age-old tactic for pulling the ladies. From muscle car to sportscar to vw van (which let’s be real, is obviously the coolest), guys love to post pictures of themselves in/on/around/in front of their ‘whip.’
8. The celebrity flaunter
These guys know what’s up. A buddy pic with Harry may or may not catch our interest. Ok. It works. And ok. We’d totally do too.
9. The wannabe model
You know which ones we’re talking about here. The ones that make you want to cry because they’re prettier than you could ever hope to be. We get a lot of these in Los Angeles. Eye candy at it’s finest.
10. The casual celeb
These come when you least expect them. You’re swiping, swiping, swiping, then “WTF IS THAT BEANS?” From the semi-famous youtuber to the actor on a hit show, no one is immune to the allure of Tinder. And trust us – if you have a Tinder, we WILL find it.
And finally, the plain ole “wtf”
Sometimes, there’s just no explanation.
Luis’ bio is what’s important here.
Tinder, we love you. Thank you for countless hours of amusement.